All She Wanted...

All she wanted was to lay down on the floor next to him and spoon with his strong, lean, black and white furry body one more time. She wanted to smell his ungroomed fur and feel the warmth of his body again. It’s over three years later and she still misses it.

A memory: his body wrapped in a white sheet in the back of her car after bringing him home from the vet’s office on that sunny, mid-May afternoon. The day before Mother’s Day.  The massive amounts of blood from earlier that had oozed from his nose still staining the sidewalk and hardwood floors in the house.  He’d likely had a tumor in his nose that finally burst. 

She remembers sobbing that day like never before. Her whole body shaking. A waterfall of salty tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. And going out to the garage where her white Subaru was parked with the white sheet wrapped around his still warm body in the very back. Even though he’d already crossed the Rainbow Bridge there was something oddly comforting about laying there curled up next to his dense, lean form. She wanted to experience the solidity of his body once more before they buried him that evening in a sunset ceremony down by the ocean.

And then, a year and a half later, she lays on the floor next to her little 15 year old scruffy-faced terrier. Another soulmate dog ready to transition. The hospice vet – an angel disguised in the body of a young, slender, blonde thirty-something woman – arrives and brings a small basket with a purple blanket to carry the dog out in after she’s taken her last breath. 

It always happens too fast, too soon. The hospice vet had called her earlier to say “I’m running a little ahead of schedule today. Would it be okay if I came early at five?”  Without hesitation, she replied “No, I want to soak up these last precious minutes I have with Ellie. Let’s keep it at 5:30 if that can still work.” 

Last minutes. Last breaths. Lives that have shaped ours and meant so much to us end too quickly, or so it seems. Who are we to say when a life should end, though? Perhaps they were ready. In fact, she know they both were. It was she who wasn’t ready to say goodbye. 

She was grateful to have had both of them for as long as she did, though. Her first two dog loves. Etched in her heart forever.  The hikes in the mountains, long walks by the ocean. The hours of play time and snuggles when she needed them most. The unconditional love a pet offers that her heart needed as she journeyed through challenges and losses she’d never anticipated. 

It often feels too soon to say goodbye to a beloved pet or a human friend or family member we loved so deeply. If you’ve had a recent loss, know that my heart is with you and I hope that you are doing what you need to in order to honor your unique grief journey and process.

Xo

Mindy 

p.s. this post was inspired by a beautiful poem titled “Oceanic” by Tapiwa Mugabe. You can read the full poem here.