Five Ways to Work with Your Grief During the Holidays
While the holidays can be a festive and joyful time, they are frequently not “the most wonderful time of the year” for many people. Especially those who have experienced a recent loss.
Feelings of grief often intensify at the holidays when we’re missing these beings we’ve lost (both human loved ones and pets) and feeling their absence in our day-to-day life and at our holiday gatherings. In fact, a recent Harris poll noted that 36% of people don’t feel like celebrating the holidays this year due to feelings of grief and loss.
Below I’ve shared a few tips for ways to work with your grief and support yourself as we move through this holiday season:
Honor what you need. If being with other people feels nourishing, say “yes” to invitations or let loved ones know you want to spend time with them. If you need alone time, allow yourself to say “no” to invitations. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and you are allowed to do what feels best for you even if this means disappointing others.
Let people know you are grieving. It can be helpful to let people know: “I lost my ____ this year and I am grieving right now” or “I’ve had a recent significant loss and I’m experiencing a lot of grief right now.” However it feels right to you to phrase it. My friend Andrea who lost her father earlier this year, wrote a blog post after her Dad passed and she noted how nice it would be if we could wear a little nametag-sized note on our chests when we’re grieving that says something like “I’m grieving. Please be gentle and kind with me right now.” What a sweet thing, huh? Maybe we could simply extend that tender, gentle kindness to everyone this holiday season since so many people are grieving right now.
Do something special in memory of the person or pet you have lost. There are many things you can do to honor the memory of a human or animal loved one you’ve lost. Donate to a nonprofit they supported or felt passionate about in their memory. Have a special ornament made with a photo of them that you love. Bake one of their favorite holiday treats and share the goodness with others. Or think about what would feel like a special way to you to honor their memory and do that.
This holiday season I donated to the animal rescues where we’ve gotten two of our beloved dogs (one has crossed the Rainbow Bridge and one is still with us!). It felt healing to donate in memory of the one we’ve lost, knowing that perhaps my small donation might help save a few animal’s lives so that they can go on to find permanent, loving homes. I also made a small donation to a nonprofit in a teeny town in northern Illinois where my grandparents lived because my grandmother was passionate about supporting this organization. I loved doing something small in her memory to honor her big heart and the legacy of love she left behind.
Take time for the self-care that feels most nourishing. There’s a powerful question you can ask yourself frequently this holiday season: What do I need? The answer may vary from day to day, even moment to moment, but I encourage you to pause throughout the day, ask this question, and then listen until you have a clear answer. It might be as simple as a glass of water or a hot bath, or… maybe it would feel supportive to reach out to a friend or loved one for a short chat. Sometimes journaling, and writing about how your grief feels right now, can also be cathartic.
Allow yourself the time and space you need to grieve. Think about what this means for you. Maybe it’s taking a walk in nature each day, going to a grief support group, or journaling about how you’re feeling. Allow yourself to do what you need to in order to honor you unique grieving process. And remember that it is okay to feel joy and gratitude as well if they bubble up and to engage in holiday festivities if you feel up for it.
It has been a very full year for me: more travel overall than in previous years, a big output of time/resource/energy to complete and publish my pet loss deck and moving through the grief of losing my beloved father-in-law last April.
On the heels of that loss, my husband and I unexpectedly lost a dear friend in October and a couple women who were dear friends and colleagues when I lived in Chicago (both my age) died from cancer this fall. The news of all of their deaths was heartbreaking and a poignant reminder (yet again) of how incredibly vulnerable and precious this life is. How quickly it can change in a heartbeat.
Grief has been a frequent visitor this year. And just the other day I noticed I feel more tired than usual as we approach this end-of-year time. When I tuned into what I need right now, I heard a little voice say “Rest. Restore. Take time to do things that will replenish you.”
So in the weeks to come you will find me slowing down and creating the space for more downtime: taking more naps, getting a massage, going for long walks in the snow, sipping on hot tea while I read the stack of books I’ve been saving for holiday break, and enjoying relaxing time with loveds ones.
I hope you, too, will give yourself what you need and what feels most nourishing if you are grieving this holiday season. You deserve to honor your grief and to respect the time and space you need to move through your loss.