Going Through A Difficult Time? Gratitude Can Help.
“Life, even in the hardest times, is full of moments to savor.
They will not come this way again, not in this way.”
–Paula Rinehart
Two and a half years ago, on a Saturday in mid-May, I woke up at 5:24 a.m. to a horrific sound. Still half asleep, I stumbled out of the bedroom into our living room to find our 15-year old dog, Trek, wheezing and laying in a pool of blood. For months his health had been teetering… good weeks and not-so-good ones with intermittent nose bleeds that always seemed to be controlled with the Chinese herbs our vet had put him on. We suspected he may have cancer but at his age our goal was to keep him comfortable and let him have as many good days and weeks as possible.
That morning, though, it was clear that something was horribly wrong. Waiting almost three hours until our vet’s office opened felt like an eternity. We layed on the floor next to him, giving him pets and holding his head up so the blood could drain and he could breathe more easily, and then took him in right at 8 a.m.
Robin, our vet, examined Trek and then looked at us and said “You guys, I think it’s time.” Even typing these words and sharing this story with you takes me right back to that moment and the feeling of gut wrenching sorrow I felt sitting in that sterile exam room. I don’t think I’ve ever sobbed the way I did that day. Trek was the first pet I’ve ever had to euthanize. And while it felt like a blessing to be able to end his suffering I wasn’t prepared at all to let him go that day. We’d just taken him in for a check-up the afternoon before and he’d been doing so well.
As I reflect on that day, and that time in life, I can vividly recall how painful it was and how much my heart hurt. But at the same time I have such beautiful memories of taking Trek for one last walk out on the land that he loved to run on so much and letting him choose the spot where he wanted to be buried and having a sunset burial ceremony there for him that evening with just my husband and me. Playing songs we’d chosen to honor him and reading a poem that seemed fitting to honor the sweet, noble soul he was. I felt, and still feel, so grateful for the extra hours we got to have with him that day as we took him for one last walk by the ocean and told him how much we loved him. It was precious. I savored every last precious second of that time with him.
Life is full of difficult moments. I’m sure you can think of a loss or a challenging and painful experience of your own. While we quite often have little control over the circumstances in our lives, one thing we do have control over is how we respond to them. This is where a practice like gratitude can be so helpful.
While we quite often have little control over the circumstances in our lives, one thing we do have control over is how we respond to them.
As we begin to build our gratitude muscle and view life through the lens of “grateful seeing,” we start to boost our emotional immune systems so that when tough times do hit we aren’t knocked around quite as much by them. In the same way that we boost our physical immune systems this time of year with things like garlic and specific herbs and supplements, we can use gratitude to begin to build up our emotional resilience.
This is what I experienced the day we had to put Trek down. The pain and sadness were absolutely real and I allowed myself to feel them. But I also chose to slow down and see the good in that day. Watching Trek run with his big ears flapping in the wind, being able to spend a few precious extra hours with him after our appointment with the vet, taking him to get ice cream, and getting to honor him with a beautiful ceremony down by the ocean where we buried him in one of his favorite spots.
In the field of neuropsychology, there’s a common saying that “neurons that fire together, wire together” and this refers to a concept called neuroplasticity. Our brains have the capacity to develop new neural pathways over time and we can develop new habits. Even if you tend to be more of a “glass half empty” person, you can train your mind to view life through a lens of gratitude that helps you see things to be grateful for even in the midst of challenge and great difficulty.
So where do you begin? There are many simple ways to practice gratitude in your daily life and below I’ve listed a few ideas to help get you started:
Begin keeping a gratitude journal. Each evening before you go to bed write down five specific things you’re grateful for from the day.
Take a gratitude walk or hike. Take a walk (by yourself, preferably) and before you begin set the intention to take this time to focus on the blessings in your life and what’s going well in your world.
Involve your family. As you’re eating dinner in the evenings, take time to go around the dinner table and invite each person to share one or two things they’re feeling grateful for that day. This can work with children as young as three or four.
“Grati-texting.” Find a friend or family member who’s interested in practicing gratitude with you and agree to text each other your daily gratitudes every night. This can be fun to do with a friend or family member who doesn’t live near you but who you want to maintain a close connection with!
As you begin to practice looking at life through the lens of “grateful seeing” remember that creating any new habit takes time. The key to getting the most benefit from gratitude practice is to do it as consistently as possible. And if you have a day when it just feels challenging to find anything to be grateful for? That’s okay. I think if we’re honest, most of us do. Those are the days when you keep it simple and give thanks for things like your breath, the sunrise, the fact that you woke up in a warm bed and have running water.
When you’re going through a painful or difficult experience, if you suppress or ignore your feelings it often just intensifies them. It’s common to experience emotions like sadness, fear, and anger when things feel rough. Remember that you are not alone. Finding the good in life and cultivating an attitude of gratitude can be a helpful counterbalance, though, to remind you of the good that exists in your world alongside whatever feels challenging. And if you need additional support, I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend or enlist the services of a counselor, coach or therapist who is trained to help people work through complex and challenging issues.